As more and more men in positions of power are being outed for predatory behavior, our hearts are breaking. But, and bear with me, this is a good thing. This is us shedding light on a reality that has always been the case. In the same way that the presidency of Donald Trump did not create more racism but merely revealed the racism that was already here; what is being revealed to us in Hollywood is not a newly created thing. Life is not getting worse for women; these recent revelations are a sign of times changing for the better. Let us see this for the incredible moment that it is: we are now acknowledging where we’ve been and where we currently are. Let us be brave and use it as the fuel to determine where it is we go from here. The space that is being created for women’s and victims’ voices right now is powerful and necessary; and soon, I hope, we’ll be able to figure out how we move forward. Together. There are going to be more stories to come, of that I’m sure, and we can hear them and applaud the voices coming forward. These truths do not have to break us or diminish the beauty of the moment we -- all of us, men and women -- are having. The reason the #MeToo campaign was so powerful is two-fold. One, women were communicating directly with each other (which is something they’ve never been encouraged to do). It allowed women to say, “Fuck the necessity for the Bechdel Test in movies, I’m speaking directly to other women about MY experience.” It broke down the competitiveness we are always tasked with feeling towards one another and created a simple and profound way to connect, share, and commiserate. It united us in a way that was dangerous for a system that relies on women’s silence, women’s feelings of aloneness, and women feeling they won’t be heard or believed. And two, it forced men to witness a conversation between women about their experiences from the sidelines. I believe that, for the most part, these men aren’t monsters. These men are products of an environment and culture that taught them that this was acceptable behavior. A culture that taught them that whatever they could grab they could have (looking at you, Mr. President). What I have learned is that wealth and power and maleness and whiteness can create a bubble around you, and that bubble can make you go blind. When children first come out of the womb, they are not pure and innocent and cherub-like -- they are primal. I saw this first-hand working as a nanny. These beautiful, intelligent, good-hearted little humans took what they wanted from each other the very second they wanted it, even if that meant committing acts of violence. As the adult in the room, it was my job to have empathy and compassion for both sides. To smooth out the edges, and to educate. Education on kindness and empathy and consideration makes our relationships with each other and ourselves better. If a toddler gets a hold of a gun and shoots his family, I do not blame the toddler. President Trump, Harvey Weinstein, I do not blame you. I blame the systems in place that protected you all this time. That allowed you to never come face to face with the repulsiveness of your actions. Even now, Harvey, I can’t know that your suicide threat is due to shame of having done to others what you’ve done, or due to your ego’s fall from grace; but that is not my burden to bear. I do not have to hurt you as you have hurt others. As the adult in the room, I have to become aware of the patterns that you were never called out on that let it get this far. When could the lesson have first been learned? That’s not something I ever want to miss again. This is all of our problem to fix: men and women together, because we have all been damaged by all of the suffering. We are only as whole as our biggest holes allow and this hole is gaping. But we couldn’t fix what we refused to acknowledge was there. And this is us, as a body, acknowledging it. Men were taught to ignore boundaries and take what they could get, while women were taught to be accommodating. I was never taught how to identify, create, or honour my boundaries; and now we need to teach girls how to do that. How to identify what their boundaries are and how to assert them. And then (and here’s the most important part) men and boys have to be taught how to listen. I cannot draw a distinct line down my own sexual history and distinguish between the consent and the confusion. I was taught from very early on how to subvert what I was feeling and hear the thoughts and feelings of men first. I am willing to share some of the lessons I received. This isn’t an essay on where everything went wrong, I think we know that by now. But it is an essay on how we move forward from here. On how we learn to see each other as human beings again, as comrades. Because we are fighting against something that’s been in place for so long, and it will change when we do. My community is tearing itself apart looking for monsters. Not realizing that every single one of us is carrying some of the blame, some of the ugly. All of us are coming from the same flawed starting place, and that is why it’s so confusing and scary right now -- because even the good guys have done bad things. It’s important and it's necessary to identify predatory behavior, to share our stories, to console and to correct so that we can unlearn and start from scratch together. And at some point soon, I hope we will be ready and able to stand still together -- maybe holding hands or maybe just holding space -- and figure out how we are going to move forward… because we still need each other. We now just need to go through a reexamining of what that looks like. All of our anger and pain and fear is RIGHT. And we can feel that and our confusion together. I’m starting with myself. I want to do better. I have been guilty of misogyny and sexism. I have hurt men and women with a deflection of my own pain. I have been guilty of not knowing myself well enough to set boundaries and then being angry with someone for crossing what wasn’t there. I want to set my ego aside and let myself be corrected. I want to make mistakes with the intention of becoming better, wholer. Getting something wrong, when it’s coming from the right place, is still worth doing because it creates more space within our communities; creates opportunities for conversations on how we can learn to love each other from a more grounded and secure place. I may need to ask questions that some people think I should already know the answer to, and I may have to reveal my own ignorance in order to see where it is I’m in need of work. But I want to do better... for the women in my community AND FOR THE MEN.
Photo by Pam Stewart
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