If I were Michael Jordan, I’d Feel Like a Failure or Show Me the Goddamn Women | By Pam Stewart

Note: I did zero research into this other than to watch The Last Dance, get pissed off and google “Michael Jordan’s marriages.”

I can’t separate myself from my relationships.  I see my value and my story as intrinsically linked to those I love that love me.  This could be a by-product of how I was socialized as a girl to see my value tied up in whether or not a man has “chosen” me, and perhaps this could be the explanation as to why men’s stories are told as so separate from their relationships in a way that women’s stories aren’t.  Would Bill Clinton’s documentary talk as much about Hillary as hers did about him? (Note: I didn’t bother googling if there was a Bill Clinton documentary, so I obviously didn’t watch it (if it exists) in order to answer this incredibly simple question.)  Was Michael Jordan married in the time he played basketball?  Shouldn’t that have earned A MENTION in the 10 part docuseries other than the moment someone hands him a phone after a game (let’s all remember, basketball is a game) and says, “Do you want to call your wife?” 

It turns out, he was.  I googled it.  He was married to a woman named Juanita Vanoy from 1989 to 2006.  The 10 PART docuseries (10 HOURS OF VIDEO!) spans 1984-1998.  How is it even possible that there was no mention of his marriage or his wife?  Did you consider yourself a husband, Michael?  Do you now that you’re married to someone else, 16 years your junior?  We heard about your coaches’, your brothers’ and your dad’s affect on your ability to throw a ball at a hoop but no reference to the mother of (three of) your children, hey?

What is my identity without my relationships?  I have absolutely no desire to tell that story or live that life.  I can’t imagine getting to the end and all anyone has to say about me was what I did under contract, what I was paid to do, what people who didn’t know me thought about me.  Were any women at all inspired by that documentary?  Is it any wonder that heterosexual relationships are so unfulfilling for so many  women when this is the idea of a successful man?  (Note: I did absolutely zero research into this statement I list as fact other than getting into a fight this morning with my (male) partner about his (shitty) listening skills.)

I was blown away at how empty it made me feel.  How disappointed I was with the state of our values, our story telling abilities, our ideas for masculinity, success and a life well lived.  I am trying so hard to accept that my values are just that, MINE, and not necessarily RIGHT, but I don’t understand the pedestal that ignores love and relationship and women.  I don’t understand the evaluation of this story, the fan reactions and endorsements.  To excel on that level you kind of have to be an asshole, that’s what all these insider documentaries about exceptional (as in, the exception) men are showing us--Gates, Jobs, etc.  And their stories are worshipped, celebrated, glorified. 

My mom worked for a great doctor who was doing great things for his patients and advancing science and care--but he was a bully and a misogynist and an abusive asshole to his colleagues and subordinates.  So was he still great?  Are you more likely to be considered great if the people you abuse are women and those in positions with less power than you?  I’m so sick of assholes getting a pass.  I’m so sick of the standards of decency only being required of you if you’re average or less.  I don’t care how many points you scored, how did you treat your wife?  And why isn’t that the metric we use before we call somebody Great?  Do you think Cosby, Trump and Weinstein were created in a vacuum or is it more likely they were shepherded along by a system happy to ignore the stories, experiences and voices of people who aren’t men?

I remember when Dunkirk came out (I haven’t seen it).  A friend said to me, “not a single woman’s story was told (Note: I really hope this is accurate, because as I stated, I haven’t seen it and would hate for an inaccurate movie review to discredit my incredibly well-researched point).”  Her boyfriend responded, “There were no women soldiers.”

Oh. 

Ok.

So no women were alive during that time?  No women were raising children nor feeling the effects of war on their lives?  Or is it possible that the people responsible for making this movie were men who’ve been allowed to move through life without considering the lives of women as important?  And if those storylines had been explored, is it now a “women’s movie” and thus lesser?  Why is this kindergarten requirement that People are People still too advanced for us?  Where are the fucking women?  I am sick of handholding my partners as I lead them towards being whole human beings as I teach them to give a shit about women’s lives and (theirs and others) connectivity with other human beings instead of achievement and assets.  Show us women and show us better men, then we can really use the word Great.